WHO AM I?????????
Heh heh, no, it's not that bad. I'm just teasing. It's funny how "Change", even when expected, can throw you for a loop. For me, Change unsettles my insides and I feel insecure. Like a little crab on the bottom of the ocean when an underwater current rolls through and shifts the sand beneath the tiny crustacean's feet, I also scurry. I find myself looking for security in routines, in relationships, in music. I try to comfort myself and assure myself that, this time, it's going to be okay.
But what does "okay" even mean? For me, it means that life submits to my order, my planning, my foretelling of the future. I want time and circumstance to submit to me. I want control.
It's very human, isn't it? I think God smiles at me when I get like this. I think He finds me hilarious, but not in a "I laugh at your pain" kind of way - more of "we'll laugh when you're through this season" sort of thing. I've been feeling these unsettled feelings for a while now. The cool thing is, for the first time in my life, I'm not afraid of these feelings! I don't like them, I don't enjoy them, but I'm not afraid of them. And while, in the past, I would have found various and sundry means of comforting myself - for the most part, I've been turning to God.
"But Sam!" You say, "Isn't that what a ministry school graduate SHOULD do?" Heh, yeah, I'm not done being human. I don't know about other church people, I don't know how they handle their insecurities and weaknesses, but I still have mine. And I still battle with a natural desire to fix things on my own. So I'm excited to see myself going to God when I'm weak, not as a "this is the right thing to do" maneuver, but actually a natural, unforced response.
At this moment in time, in my life, there are very few things that are simple. Very few things that are straight forward. And my feelings don't like those uncertainties!
So! In this time, what am I doing? Well, I'm being intentional. Rather than being obsessed with all the complexities and challenges, I'm reminding myself of what I know to be true. No matter what it feels like, I know that this season is a season of faith, and a season of increase. I know that next year, I will be miles ahead of where I am right now - but right now has it's worth too! This moment has worth. And when I get overwhelmed, I'm moving quickly to my Father's lap. I'm saying that it's okay to be vulnerable and it's okay to rest and just be loved. I think that's God's version of "okay" - resting in the center of His love, no matter what the circumstances.
Anyway. Here's a scripture I'm loving: Zephaniah 3:17 - "The Lord your God is with you, He is might to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." I like reading the Bible because it's truly about God. It's not someone else's interpretation or someone's sales pitch - it's just plainly a description and display of God. He will take great delight in me. He will quiet me with His love. Mmm. That's just nice. Or this one: Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him."