What a dramatic title! Haha!!! (Side note: I love me! Wheee!)
The past few weeks have been intense; second year at Bethel hasn't felt the same as first year. When I say that, I'm talking about my life in my body, in my spirit and soul. I can feel when things are off kilter - no matter what's going on around me, I am an optimist, and I'm usually aware of Him (the peaceful resident of my heart). Anything draws a shade on that reality for me feels like death. No, I'm not being dramatic, I'm serious. I get pretty frantic pretty fast, because I'm strongest when I live from my heart.
I started second year feeling weaker than I've ever been, emotionally, spiritually, even physically. I was lacking interest in all of the things that I love to do, and was falling down on just the personal routines that keep my life moving. I quickly got behind in homework, started struggling even getting to school on time, and generally felt STUCK. Haha, yes, hiiiiiiigh frustration level!
I can't go into too much detail, since I don't have a lot of space or time, but sufficed to say things didn't look pretty. My friends really rallied around me, and my revival group at school really loved on me, my intern repeatedly reminded me to take the pressure off, and my sister was there to sweep up the pieces every time I fell apart. (Danielle is my personal rock star. I don't ever want to live far away from her ever again!!)
In one week, God wiped away the storm clouds. It's always so funny when He does that! Because the circumstances don't change, it's just the posture of my heart that is different. It's like He reboots my heart or something; all of my expectations change and I'm drafting on Hope again. This year's reboot model was composed of LOTS of received prayer, LOTS of talks with friends who just listened, a sozo, and my first meeting with my coach! It's so good - but I'm can feel that the growth is young and tender, and I don't want to rush it. I don't want my heart to miss learning how to really rely on Dad.
Now though, as I am coming back to life, it's like I'm cleaning up after the storm. Yep, have to catch up on homework. Yep, have to start the healthy life habits again. Yep, have to reinvest in relationships. And most importantly, I have to begin to dream again.
Dreams are funny things. Once you see the fruition of a promise - it's almost like you have to remember how to receive the seed of a new promise again. I was talking with my coach about promises and how I was feeling uneasy because I don't have anything that I'm standing for right now. It's like God has answered all of my past tense desires - what am I supposed to be contending for now? And I realized, at some point my expectations went into survival mode! No bueno. (I could go into how I know that's not how I'm supposed to live, but that would lengthen an already lengthy blog!!)
Surprisingly, for me, self discipline re-awakens my dreamer. As I do the things I know to do, keep my environment tidy, keep my room tidy, keep my car tidy, stay on top of homework, soak, spend time with friends, I begin to see my dreams so clearly. It's like, I'm just cleaning the cogs of my clock and God is powering the motor. I do my part to stay unclogged, and He moves me forward. I keep my heart clean and pure (not to earn anything, but because I am HAPPIEST that way!!), and He fills me with dreams and with joy.
And once again, the climb has interest. I'm listening for adventure, I'm looking at the horizon line and expecting Him to show up. The season is busy when the season is called Hope!
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? And who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and pure heart....
(Author's note: Just so you know, I'm not quoting these scriptures because they correlate perfectly or because they are in context - they are just the scriptures that are alive in my heart at the moment. Love ya!)