I am a dreamer.
I have more ideas and visions and hopes for ten years from now than practical wisdom for tomorrow. I've been working through this book that has exercises to help stimulate creativity and curiosity. One of the exercises was to create a list of 100 questions; don't think, just write. Don't worry about the answers, just ask the questions. And it was funny, some of the questions that came pouring out of my soul were: "Why is it so hard to get still?", "What am I running from?", "Why do I have such certainty about 30 years from now, but no idea about tomorrow?"
In the last two years of my life, I've learned some wonderful things about myself. I've learned about the depths of creativity that God placed inside of me, that I am a woman who is passionate about relationships and love, that I am a very good leader, and that I have to be free, that I cannot stand to be constrained.
But I've also learned some hard things about myself. I've learned that I have things to work on and areas in my life where I need to grow. I have fear in my life. I've let fear push me around more often than I'd like to admit. When I'm scared I hide, I lie, I get busy, I keep secrets, I procrastinate. I've learned that it just takes a moment to make a mess, and messes scare me. Messes scare me because they challenge love. They challenge other people's love for me, challenge my love for myself, challenge my trust in God's love for me.
And I've realized that I am SO TEMPTED, so tempted to live my life just a little bit safer. Dream up a future that I can do, that I'm sure I can do. One without major messes, one that doesn't expose my faults, one that doesn't challenge me or my perception of myself. It would be so much easier! And wouldn't that be better for everyone? Wouldn't everyone like that better? If Sam wasn't such a screw up?
But. I came to California because my life was on fire. The past behind me that was so safe, so predictable, so strong was too small for me, and much too small for me to truly see God. It's so sad, I've seen Him better in my worst moments than on my most peaceful day. I came to California because I wanted to know Him, really and truly. If it turned out that it was all hype, that Christianity was actually just some sort of mass emotional high, I wanted to know. I wanted to know and for certain.
So I burned everything that I built, and came out here where daily I walk on borrowed strength. I know that I eat because He supplied it for me - and not in a way that I would have picked! I've chosen this. I've chosen honest frailty rather than implied strength. I've chosen to be ugly when I'd much rather TRY to be acceptable, covered up. It feels insane some times!! It feels like, shouldn't chasing God be easier? Shouldn't suddenly finances pour out of the sky? Shouldn't wisdom just be downloaded to me; wisdom and tons of self control? Right? Wasn't that in the book somewhere?
I don't have a beautiful, properly edited end to this post. This is just an honest moment where suddenly a bunch of ideas congealed and I knew I needed somewhere to remember this blob of truth. This is the truth: God never gets tired of ugly me. He never backs up or steps away. The only step He takes is closer. And He never does things the way that I want Him to, and I have to be ok with that. Because that is who He is.